Analyzing my desires

  

My thrill of performing…and fear of exposure.
I have both voyeuristic and exhibitionist tendencies. Out of all of my kinks I find the most difficulty in allowing myself to indulge in it.
I think my biggest issue is that of exposure. Though I like the idea of an audience being possibly captivated by the actions of little ol’ me, feeds the drama geek that I was through my school days. There are all of the risks that come with an audience. You can’t really control who watches or what they will think. So you always run the risk of exposure to people you might not wish to be exposed to.  

I never thrilled at the idea of being caught in the act so much, nor for the shock factor, more by performing an act in an artistic or authentic way that like minded people enjoy.  

The problem is I have no control really over the audience per say. This is where, the anxiety kicks in. I do maintain a certain amount of secrecy in my lifestyle. I don’t have the time, energy or will to explain my personal choices when it comes to my sexuality. So where I don’t hide it exactly, i just don’t talk about it with ‘muggles’ as Daddy refers to my vanilla counterparts.  

 

At the same time, the idea of and audience during say a spanking amplifies certain emotions and seems to enhance the experience. Daddy has mentioned and encouraged me to make friends locally who are in the lifestyle. That perhaps in future could be called upon to bear witness to a naughty girl punishment or some such scenario. The suggestion certainly sent the butterflies whirling in my belly. The blushes flamed in my cheeks at the mere thought of it, and tingles erupted in my naughty bits. The thrill is definitely there, but again the hesitation. The type A personality traits shuffle to the front and I start analyzing exactly how much I can control a situation like that.  
So I am left to wonder if I will ever do more then just fantasize over the idea of a fellow playmate witnessing my more intimate playtimes or if I will lower my defenses enough to indulge in this inner fantasy.  

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